I could print these things, but I have discovered my true issue. It did turn out that the nvidia drivers were not communicating with my displays. lspci listed an integrated graphics card as well, so I went into the BIOS to make sure it was disabled. What I found, however, was no option to turn it off. I noticed that some Sony VAIO users had issues communicating with the laptop LCD, so I tried the suggested fix (for posterity, the fix is to grab your device's EDID manually under windows, output the file in raw format to linux, and manually tell your driver to read with "CustomEDID"). This did not work, so I did a search for my laptop to see if there was a minor adjustment.
My laptop is an ASUS K52JC-X1, one of the new models with the brand-spanking new Nvidia Optimus technology. optimus switches between integrated and dedicated graphics intelligently... and almost completely via software. Nvidia's drivers do not support Optimus on linux, and according to a post on their site they have no plans to do so.
In theory, I should be able to go ahead and run mint with integrated graphics (I'll post whether this works later), but until xorg and the open drivers work out Optimus functionality, I'm fairly certain I'll have to use windows for 3d acceleration. Praise the dual-boot, I guess.