Well, it showed up pretty beaten, left out in the cold (thanks UPS), and Windows 8 wouldn't even get through the initial boot. After diagnosing a bit further, I also found out that their 16GB SSD + 1 TB Hard Drive was not a true hybrid drive, like the salesperson said, but just two drives.
Returning for a full refund. Not how I wanted to end the thread, but there's just too much sketchy material here for me to feel comfy using this as my own laptop. I may just have to go back to the Mac world. <sigh>