Computer related jokes

[wanderer7]

Today I decided to start this topic, where we can post computer related jokes or funny stories.
When someone visits the forum, the first thing one can see is a very long list of different LM related problems and questions. So maybe, we could add some humour to the forum too.
This thread needs your contribution. Post anything that is both funny and computer related.

Here's an old one:
Yesterday I changed the name of my wifi to "Hack_it_if_you_can".
Today I found it named: "Challenge_accepted".

[Habitual]

No keyboard detected: Press any key to continue.

[RacerBG]

Glossary of common terms:

bandwidth: limited by the size of the stage
benchmark: what happens when your saw hits the bench
broadband: an all female rock group
control character: prison guard
density: how to measure IQs of blondes
escape sequence: Distract guard. Dig tunnel. Cut throw fence...
ethernet: used to catch Ether
fixed disk: a broken disk that comes back from the shop
high density diskette: a very stupid floppy
home computer: what you tell your computer when it follows you
hypertext: text on amphetamines
ink jet: a plan used for sky writing
modem: what the gardener did to the lawns
on-line: where the birds sit
overlay: chickens making too many eggs
pentium: the thing that swings back-and-forth on a clock
postscript: grafitti on a pole
software piracy: stealing a ship's program
maintenance-free: when it breaks, it can't be fixed
recursion: to define recursion, we must first define recursion
multitasking: screwing up several things at once

[SynodOfDort]

KDE

A big room somewhere in Europe with lots of chrome and glass and a great big whiteboard in the front with lots of tiny, neat writing on it. There are about 50 desks, each with headphones and pristine workstations, also with a lot of chrome and glass. The faint sound of classical music permeates the room, accompanying the clicky-click of 50 programmers typing or quietly talking in one of the appropriately assigned meeting areas. (Which of course consist of elegant contemporary white pine coffee tables surrounded by contemporary white pine and fine leather meeting chairs.) Coffee, tea, mineral water and fruit juices are available in the break area.

At the end of the day, *everyone* checks in their code and the project leader does a "make" just to make sure it all compiles cleanly, but it's mostly only done from tradition anymore since it always compiles cleanly and works flawlessly. When all milestones have been met, and everything has been QA'd, (usually within a day or two of the roadmap that was written up 18 months previous) a new KDE release is packaged up and released to the mirror sites with the appropriate 24-hour delay for distribution before being announced.

KDE developers are generally between the ages of 16 and 25, like art made of lines and squares and the colors white and black. When/if they finally stop taking government subsidies and get around to getting "real jobs," most of their salary will be taken in taxes so the socialist government can subsidize the care and feeding of the next generation of KDE developers, just like it did for them. A high percentage of KDE developers, during their mandatory 5 years of government military service, crack from their years of cultural dullness and flee Europe to become terrorists for the sheer joy to be found in killing random strangers for no discernible reason.

GNOME

An abandoned warehouse in San Francisco, kitted up as for a rave, electronica playing at 15db louder than "my ears are bleeding and I'm developing an aneurism" volumes and the windows all painted over black so that the strobe and spotlights and lasers can be seen better. Computers, mainly made of whatever stuff has been exchanged for crack or scavenged from dumpsters behind dot-bombs, are scattered around on whatever furniture is available, which also consists of whatever stuff has been exchanged for crack or scavenged from dumpsters behind dot-bombs. There's no break area, but you may be able to bum a beer (or more likely something harder) off of one of the developers hanging around, and they will probably be too jacked up on X, coke, acid, heroin, ether or all of the above to notice that you've taken anything.

Development strategies are generally determined by whatever light show happens to be going on at the moment, when one of the developers will leap up and scream "I WANT IT TO LOOK JUST LIKE THAT" and then straight-arm his laptop against the wall in an hallucinogenic frenzy before vomiting copiously, passing out and falling face-down in the middle of the dance floor. There's no whiteboard, so developers diagram things out in the puddles of spilt beer, urine and vomit on the floor.

At the end of the day - whenever that is since an equal number of programmers will be passed out at any given time - or really whenever someone happens to think of it (which is rarely), someone might type "make" on some machine somewhere, with mixed results. Generally nothing happens, so he/she shrugs his/her shoulders and wanders off to look for someone who might have more pink/black-striped pills. Once in a great while, generally in the unpleasant time between the come-down from the last thing they took and before whatever it was they took just now comes on fully, someone will tar up a bunch of random files and post it on a website someplace it as the next GNOME release, usually with a reference to some kind of monkey.

GNOME developers rarely live past 25 and prefer "alternative" art - generally stuff made of feces that's "too edgy" for most people to "understand" or "like." Core GNOME developers are heavy Ketamine users. The bodies of GNOME developers can often be found in dumpsters or floating face-down in any sufficiently large body of water.



Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk

[Previous1]

Code: Select all

cat /usr/bin/sensible-browser

Using sensible-browser in $BROWSER makes no sense.

[wanderer7]

No keyboard detected: Press any key to continue.

Windows couldn't connect to the internet: check online for solutions.

[wanderer7]

Code: Select all

cat /usr/bin/sensible-browser

Using sensible-browser in $BROWSER makes no sense.

I found this one on gnu.org:

“Why GNU/Linux Viruses are fairly uncommon” from Charlie Harvey

evilmalware 0.6 (beta)

Copyright 2000, 2001, 2003, 2005 E\/17 |-|4><0|2z Software Foundation, Inc.

This is free software; see the source for copying conditions. There is NO warranty; not even for MERCHANTABILITY, COMPLETE DESTRUCTION OF IMPORTANT DATA or FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE (eg. sending thousands of Viagra spams to people accross the world).

Basic Installation

Before attempting to compile this virus make sure you have the correct version of glibc installed, and that your firewall rules are set to ‘allow everything’.

1. Put the attachment into the appropriate directory eg. /usr/src.
2. Type ‘tar xvzf evilmalware.tar.gz’ to extract the source files for this virus.
3. ‘cd’ to the directory containing the virus' source code and type ‘./configure’ to configure the virus for your system. If you're using ‘csh’ on an old version of System V, you might need to type ‘sh ./configure’ instead to prevent ‘csh’ from trying to execute ‘configure’ itself.
4. Type ‘make’ to compile the package. You may need to be logged in as root to do this.
5. Optionally, type ‘make check_payable’ to run any self-tests that come with the virus, and send a large donation to an unnumbered Swiss bank account.
6. Type ‘make install’ to install the virus and any spyware, trojans pornography, penis enlargement adverts and DDoS attacks that come with it.
7. You may now configure your preferred malware behaviour in /etc/evilmalware.conf.

SEE ALSO: evilmalware(1), evilmalware.conf(5), please_delete_all_my_files(1)

[Dyfi]

Most computer problems can be traced back to the loose nut betweem the seat and the desktop.

[Crewp]

Most computer problems can be traced back to the loose nut betweem the seat and the desktop.

Yea, I like that one....

[SynodOfDort]

Most computer problems can be traced back to the loose nut betweem the seat and the desktop.

Yea, I like that one....

Ditto

[Cobber]

[gtsfer]

A picture is worth a thousand words....

The latest plan to make Windows 8 popular.

This is more fun than just taking another "write-off".

[Dyfi]

Big, big, mistake to open windows in spaceship or submarine.

[SynodOfDort]

Big, big, mistake to open windows in spaceship or submarine.

That is the best one I have heard in a long time!

[Dyfi]

In a kick boxing match I can beat the computer every time.

[austin.texas]

Linus Torvalds

[austin.texas]

Definitely my favorite computer joke
- edited for rough language.

This is a SUPPOSEDLY true story from the WordPerfect helpline.
Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for: "termination without cause".

This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:

"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".............Okay, here it is.
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in through the window"
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too freaking stupid to own a computer."

[eanfrid]

click on the image to enlarge ;)

[austin.texas]

The end of the internet
http://www.1112.net/lastpage.html

[Previous1]

This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:

"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
...

Heh. Now I know where these "callcenter" guys on youtube get their inspiration.