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Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:13 am
by Faust
catweazel wrote:
Mon Sep 10, 2018 2:56 am
lsemmens wrote:
Tue Aug 21, 2018 5:30 am
A blond city girl...
Ok, then it must be time for me to tell the world's funniest blond joke.

Any objections?
Yes .

As a blonde city girl , I resemble that remark !

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:16 am
by Portreve
Oh. My. God.

*falls out of chair*

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:22 am
by catweazel
Faust wrote:
Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:13 am
catweazel wrote:
Mon Sep 10, 2018 2:56 am
lsemmens wrote:
Tue Aug 21, 2018 5:30 am
A blond city girl...
Ok, then it must be time for me to tell the world's funniest blond joke.

Any objections?
Yes .

As a blonde city girl , I resemble that remark !
Ok. This really is the funniest blond joke ever. It's so funny that I guarantee you'll be telling it to all your blond friends.

A blond was walking along the beach, kicking things on the shore. She kicked something out of the sand and picked it up. She looked at it and thought it resembled a magic lamp so she decided to rub it. Purple smoke came out of it and all of a sudden there was a gigantic purple genie standing in front of her. He looked at her and thought, "Ok, she's blond. I'll get away with giving her one wish."

Genie: "I'm the genie of the lamp! I grant you one wish!"

Blond: "But I thought I got three wishes!"

Genie: "Get real. That's only in fairy stories. You get one wish, so make it a good one."

Blond: "Ummm! Errr? Ahhh... Ummm! Ahhh! Errr? Errr?"

Genie: "Hurry up! I haven't got all day!"

Blond: "Ok, well, men always buy me dinner and drinks. They buy me jewellery and clothes galore. One even pays for my apartment. Oh! One bought me a Mercedes! I think it's because I'm blond and not very intelligent. OK! I've got it! I wish I was ten times dumber!"

PING!! He turned her into a man.

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:35 am
by Faust
I've got a winner of a feminist joke that makes men appear stupid ,
but it involves an anatomical reference that is probably not appropriate here :)

I believe it is termed NSFW , in the parlance of our times .

Ha !
The first time I saw that , I genuinely thought it was something to do with New South Wales ....

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 6:21 am
by Moem
I don't really care for anti-men jokes. Some of my best friends are men after all.

To be on the safe side, there's always animal jokes...


A police officer spots a guy driving around in his convertible, with two penguins on the back seat. She stops him and asks what's up with the penguins being in his car. The man says 'Officer, I don't know. They were in my car when I got out of the store, and I'm not sure what to do.' 'Well, you should take them to the zoo then.' 'Thank you, that's a good idea, I'm on it.' And he drives away.
Some hours later, she sees the same car and the same driver, and the penguins are still in the back seat but now they are wearing sunglasses. She stops him and says in a stern voice, 'What's this? Didn't I tell you to take those penguins to the zoo?' He replies, 'Officer, I did, it was very nice and now we're heading for the beach.'


A zebra has escaped from the zoo, wanders around for a while and ends up on a farm. 'Oh hey!' our hero thinks, 'what's all this then? I should check it out.'
The zebra sees a farm animal, and asks: 'Hello! What are you, and what is it you do here?'
'I'm a chicken' the chicken replies, 'And I lay a nice fresh egg every day'. 'Oh, that's neat.'
There's another animal! 'Hello! What are you, and what is it you do here?'
'I'm a cow, and I give milk.' 'Oh, that's cool.'
And another one. 'Hello! What are you, and what is it you do here?'
'I'm a horse. And I pull the plow and the cart.' 'Oh, that's great.'
Yet another animal... 'Hello! What are you, and what is it you do here?'
*lowest voice you can muster* 'I'm the bull. And... just take off those pajamas, and you'll see.'

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 6:40 am
by Faust
Not sure I agree on the first point .... maybe there's a need to redress the balance ?

But on the second point , here's an animal joke combined with a nationalist joke ( yes , catweazel ) ....
and those have been around forever ( Note : Fawlty Towers in Spanish portrays Manuel as an Italian )

Two Australian men are walking towards each other on a dusty outback road .
One has a sheep with a huge fleece .

First man .... " That's a good looking sheep fella , are you going to shear her ? "
Second man .... " No mate , she's all mine ! "

[ Probably needs to be heard/read with an Aussie accent - :) ]

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 6:43 am
by Moem
Faust wrote:
Mon Sep 10, 2018 6:40 am
Not sure I agree on the first point .... maybe there's a need to redress the balance ?
I'm not sure I disagree with that, but this may not be the best platform. I'm saying 'may' because I honestly don't know.

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 6:46 am
by bill_steamshovel
Bloke's car breaks down at the edge of a small country town.

Whilst the bonnet is up a horse comes over and says to the bloke "Needle jet on carburettor needs cleaning"

Bloke cleans needle jet and starts car goes into pub orders a whisky and explains whats just happened to the bartender.

"Was it a black horse with a white stripe down its nose ?"

"Yes" says bloke.

So the barman replies "Aaaarrrr - mate !! You were lucky ! Lucky you was ! There is normally a white horse in that paddock and he knows nothing about carburettors"

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:01 pm
by Portreve
catweazel wrote:
Mon Sep 10, 2018 2:49 am
Portreve wrote:
Wed Aug 15, 2018 4:56 pm
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in trees.

......

What is the loudest sound in a forest?

Gorillas picking cherries.
Why do all the animals rush out of the jungle at 6 o'clock?
Why?

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:09 pm
by Portreve
Moem wrote:
Mon Sep 10, 2018 6:21 am
I don't really care for anti-men jokes. Some of my best friends are men after all.
How about anti-human jokes, then? My cat would really appreciate those.

What stands on two feet, sits on their butt, and stares vacantly at the glowing thing in their lap?

A human.


Did you hear about the human who knew how to hunt and pounce properly?

Yeah, neither have I.


What do you call it when a human puts the food in the dish with only one meow?

Domestication.


Remember to spay or neuter your pet humans.

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:10 pm
by catweazel
Portreve wrote:
Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:01 pm
catweazel wrote:
Mon Sep 10, 2018 2:49 am
Portreve wrote:
Wed Aug 15, 2018 4:56 pm
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in trees.

......

What is the loudest sound in a forest?

Gorillas picking cherries.
Why do all the animals rush out of the jungle at 6 o'clock?
Why?
Because that's the time the elephants drop out of the cherry trees.

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:31 pm
by Moem
Portreve wrote:
Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:09 pm
How about anti-human jokes, then? My cat would really appreciate those.
Cool. I'm not against felinism, at all. It makes a lot of sense. (Our cats told me to say that.)

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 4:04 pm
by HaveaMint
YOU WOKE ME UP TO TAKE MY PICTURE AND POST IT WHERE?
cat.jpg
cat.jpg (16.16 KiB) Viewed 365 times

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 4:05 pm
by Portreve
Moem wrote:
Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:31 pm
Portreve wrote:
Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:09 pm
How about anti-human jokes, then? My cat would really appreciate those.
Cool. I'm not against felinism, at all. It makes a lot of sense. (Our cats told me to say that.)
What do you call a human who picks you up and holds you tight, scratches you between the ears, and initiates nuzzling?

Overly affectionate.

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2018 10:02 pm
by lsemmens

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2018 1:50 am
by ud6
A blonde woman is walking through the forest, trying to get home. She comes across a broad river and sees another blonde woman on the far bank, but no bridge. She shouts to the other blonde
"How do I get to the other side?"
and the other blonde shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side".