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The funniest thread

Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2018 4:55 am
by catweazel
Ok, this is a family forum, so keep it clean. Politics, race and religion are out. If you're not sure, read the forum rules.

Two Australians went to Mexico to set up a bungee jump operation. After many weeks of looking at sites they found the perfect one. It was at the top of a steep cliff overlooking beautiful scenic hills. At the bottom of the cliff was a park that was full of adults and children running around having fun.

The two Australians got government permission to go ahead so they built their crane on the edge of the cliff. Pretty soon it was time to do a test run. Being eager, they had to toss a coin to see who went first. The loser shackled the bungee cord to the winner's feet, fired up the crane, hoisted the winner up and swung the jib out over the edge of the cliff and let him go.

Thirty seconds later, the guy on the bungee bounced up, covered in blood. His Aussie mate was horrified and ran out to the edge... BOING! The guy on the bungee rope bounced up again. More blood and obvious signs of broken bones... eventually the bungee was hauled in. The 'winner' was lying on the floor, groaning, moaning and writhing in pain, blood was everywhere.

1st man: What happened? What happened?

2nd man: Urrrgghhh! Dunnn...argh...no!

1st man: Did you hit the side of the cliff?

2nd man: Urrrgghhh! ...argh...no!

1st man: Did you hit the bottom?

2nd man: Urrrgghhh! ...argh...no!

1st man: So what happened? What happened?

2nd man: Urrrgghhh! Dunnn...argh...no! But...argh...what's a piñata?

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:21 am
by BigEasy
Is it allowed to laugh here?

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:23 am
by Sir Charles
BigEasy wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:21 am
Is it allowed to laugh here?
Read the forum rules!

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:27 am
by catweazel
Marziano wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:23 am
BigEasy wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:21 am
Is it allowed to laugh here?
Read the forum rules!
lol

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:34 am
by Sir Charles
catweazel wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:27 am
lol
Sounds like "Permission granted".
:D

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:39 am
by Moem
BigEasy wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:21 am
Is it allowed to laugh here?
As long as you don't do it too loudly and scare the horses.

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 4:56 pm
by Portreve
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in trees.

......

What is the loudest sound in a forest?

Gorillas picking cherries.

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 10:24 pm
by slipstick
So..... a pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.

The bartender says "What's that?"

The pirate says..... "Arrrrrrrrrr... thar be a bounty on me head!"

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 10:37 pm
by slipstick
A Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”





A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 10:38 pm
by DAMIEN1307
hi slipstick...good one...but as the drunk at the bar once said..."id rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy"...but isnt that the same thing anyways ?...lol...DAMIEN

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 10:40 pm
by DAMIEN1307
what do the Star Ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common ?

they both circle Uranus looking for Klingons

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 10:52 pm
by lsemmens
I must object! Catweasel tells us that we are not allowed to be racist according to forum rules and then posts a joke about Aussies! :mrgreen:

A woman went shopping. At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.
He could not control his curiosity and asked,
"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?😕"
She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of the footy match, so I took the remote."
*Moral: Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies.....*🙍🙍

The story continues....😏
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said, "your husband has blocked your credit card..........
*MORAL: Always respect the hobbies of your husband.*😒

Story continues....
Wife took out her husband's credit card from purse and swiped it. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card.
*Moral: Don't underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE..*🤗

Story continues...
After swiping, the machine indicated, 'ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE'.......😲
*Moral: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!*😀

Story continues....
She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse.
It was her husband's phone showing the forwarded SMS.
She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn't call her during her shopping.
She bought her items and returned home happily.
*Moral: Don't underestimate a desperate woman!*😚

Story continues....
On getting home, his car was gone.😈
A note was pasted on the door
"Couldn't find the remote. Gone out with the boys to watch the footy. Will be home late.
Call me on my phone if you need something".😇
Damn... He left with the house key too.😶
*Moral: Don't try to control your husband.🤐
You will always lose

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 11:21 pm
by DAMIEN1307
hi Isemmens...just which one was the "Aussie" joke...or do both apply ?...lol...DAMIEN

ps...Aussies have been thus far my favourite people.

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 11:30 pm
by all41
A man and his wife are having dinner at a plush restaurant. As the wife is returning from
the lady's room she saw a woman kissing her husband. She walked to the table and demanded
"Who was that woman?" The husband said well, if you must know, she is my mistress.
The wife then says "Well that's it--we're through, I want a divorce!"

He replies "Think about that for a minute--that will be the end of your credit cards, country club membership,
European vacations, and your Mercedes---"

At that point the wife notices a neighbor entering the restaurant with a strange woman, and she asks "Who is that woman with Bob?". The husband looks and replies "That's his mistress".
The wife casually states "Ours is prettier".

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2018 5:30 am
by lsemmens
A blond city girl named Amy marries a Northern Territory cattle station owner

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the stockman says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 12:48 am
by vladtepes
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris.

Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just planning on staying for a few days".

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 2:49 am
by catweazel
Portreve wrote:
Wed Aug 15, 2018 4:56 pm
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in trees.

......

What is the loudest sound in a forest?

Gorillas picking cherries.
Why do all the animals rush out of the jungle at 6 o'clock?

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 2:51 am
by catweazel
lsemmens wrote:
Wed Aug 15, 2018 10:52 pm
I must object! Catweasel tells us that we are not allowed to be racist according to forum rules and then posts a joke about Aussies! :mrgreen:
I was waiting for someone to post that. Australian is a nationality, not a race.

NEENER!

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 2:56 am
by catweazel
lsemmens wrote:
Tue Aug 21, 2018 5:30 am
A blond city girl...
Ok, then it must be time for me to tell the world's funniest blond joke.

Any objections?

Re: The funniest thread

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:00 am
by vladtepes
What do you call a horse who likes arts and crafts?

A hobby horse.

---

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A piiig!!

---

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

They say he made a mint.

---

Three fish are in a tank.

One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”

---

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

You're too young to be smoking.

---

What do you call a three legged donkey?

A wonky

---

How do you know when you're going to drown in milk?

When it's past your eyes.

---

My aunt's star sign was cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab.

---

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"

---

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

I said, "Usually an overdose, son."

---

What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a Rottweiler?

Just the Rottweiler.

---

A man wakes up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouts, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replies, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

---

What's a dentist's favourite musical instrument?

A tuba toothpaste.

---

How do you make anti-freeze?

Take away her blanket.

---

What did the Policeman say to his bellybutton?

You're under a vest......

---

My friend was annoyed with me for messing with her red wine.

So I added some fruit and lemonade, now she sangria than ever!

---

I recently had the privelege of acting in a silent version of "Oliver".

It was brilliant, I could not have asked for more.

---

They scoffed when I told them that I had discovered the secret of invisibility.

If they could just see me now...

---

My great uncle was a microbiologist during WW2 but he was really unpopular.

He was a germ man.

---

Which US state has the tiniest soft drinks?
Mini-soda!!

Where's the best place to buy a football shirt?
New Jersey!

---

Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player?

Love means nothing to them...

---

Why did the cobbler go to Heaven?

Because he had a good sole!

---

Why did the Koala have to shop on ebay?

Because he couldn't find it on Gumtree!

---

How do you get two whales in a car?

You start in England and drive west!

---

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

---

Can you buy an entire chess set at a pawn shop?

---

Did you know that an unemployed jester is nobody's fool?

---

2 astronauts were in the space station making their morning coffee on their first day in space.

Astronaut 1: "I can't seem to find any milk up here?"
Astronaut 2: "In space no one can. Here, use cream".