An Englishman's View of Australia!

Chat about just about anything else
Post Reply
User avatar
lsemmens
Level 6
Level 6
Posts: 1139
Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2014 9:07 pm
Location: Rural South Australia

An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by lsemmens » Wed Oct 10, 2018 6:26 am

The following has allegedly been written by the late Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame. Problem is, it's just about right! :D

"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.

Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. They also discovered a stick that kept coming back.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert - equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a sour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is... they may be right.

TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason - WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die. And don't forget a stick.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS

They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.
How else do you get a stain on your shirt?
They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.
And they all carry a stick and cant play rugby
Kernel: 4.15.0-36-generic x86_64 bits: 64
Desktop: Cinnamon 3.8.9
Distro: Linux Mint 19 Tara

Laptop T4500 Dualcore 4Gb RAM
Server AMD Phenom 9650 - GEForce 9400GT 6Gb RAM
+ three other Linux Mint machines
Out of my mind - please leave a message

srq2625
Level 4
Level 4
Posts: 360
Joined: Tue Jan 08, 2013 11:35 am
Location: State: Constant Confusion, Country: D'oh

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by srq2625 » Wed Oct 10, 2018 8:32 am

I'll be on 3-week holiday to Australia in Apr 2019 - so that information will be kept handy! :)

User avatar
Pierre
Level 17
Level 17
Posts: 7566
Joined: Fri Sep 05, 2008 5:33 am
Location: Perth, AU.

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by Pierre » Wed Oct 10, 2018 9:20 am

And they all carry a stick and cant play rugby

oh - yes - they sure can - play rugby
Image
Please edit your original post title to include [SOLVED] - when your problem is solved!
and DO LOOK at those Unanswered Topics - - you may be able to answer some!.

User avatar
Pepi
Level 5
Level 5
Posts: 717
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2009 7:47 pm

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by Pepi » Wed Oct 10, 2018 9:45 am


HaveaMint
Level 4
Level 4
Posts: 427
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 9:56 pm
Location: Somewhere in the USA
Contact:

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by HaveaMint » Wed Oct 10, 2018 10:08 am

"They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep"
This categorizes everyone in the USA.
"Tune for maximum Smoke and then read the Instructions".

User avatar
tdockery97
Level 14
Level 14
Posts: 5057
Joined: Sun Jan 10, 2010 8:54 am
Location: Salem, Oregon
Contact:

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by tdockery97 » Wed Oct 10, 2018 10:49 am

Without a doubt that will be the most enjoyable thing I will read all week.
LMDE 3 Cindy

User avatar
Portreve
Level 6
Level 6
Posts: 1379
Joined: Mon Apr 18, 2011 12:03 am
Location: Florida
Contact:

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by Portreve » Wed Oct 10, 2018 6:30 pm

In one of the southern States there is a science center with a 45 meter tall tower. The center is about physics with an emphasis on Gravity. The tower is open to the public and used for gravity experiments. The YouTube channel How Ridiculous regularly films there.

The primary difference between Australians and test pilots is test pilots all fly, and they fly experimental aircraft. Australians are otherwise just as unflappable and unfazed by danger. It's not that they don't care; they've simply had to live with danger their whole life.

If the end of the world were suddenly upon us and there was nothing we could do about it, everyone would be freaking out, and pandemonium would ensue. Except for Australians. They would be like, "Bummah. Let me finish me beer first, ok?"
Peoples of the universe, please attend carefully: the message which follows is vital to the future of you all.

User avatar
Fred Barclay
Level 12
Level 12
Posts: 4156
Joined: Sat Sep 13, 2014 11:12 am
Location: Bumping around in the bush

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by Fred Barclay » Wed Oct 10, 2018 7:07 pm

Except for the rugby bit, that sounds just about right!
lsemmens wrote:
Wed Oct 10, 2018 6:26 am
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
:lol:
Image
"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
- Albert Einstein

User avatar
lsemmens
Level 6
Level 6
Posts: 1139
Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2014 9:07 pm
Location: Rural South Australia

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by lsemmens » Wed Oct 10, 2018 9:46 pm

Actually, the world might end and Australia will miss it. Too busy cooking a Barbie and drinking.

Time was when, in Darwin in the lead up to the beer can regatta that there would be adverts in the paper for people to come and help drink a few slabs of beer so that they could finish their boat.

Of course no business deal up there could be begun before establishing what colour (i.e what brand of beer - each came in a different colour can) you drank. Business always concluded with another beer or six. :D
Kernel: 4.15.0-36-generic x86_64 bits: 64
Desktop: Cinnamon 3.8.9
Distro: Linux Mint 19 Tara

Laptop T4500 Dualcore 4Gb RAM
Server AMD Phenom 9650 - GEForce 9400GT 6Gb RAM
+ three other Linux Mint machines
Out of my mind - please leave a message

User avatar
catweazel
Level 17
Level 17
Posts: 7751
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2012 9:44 pm
Location: Australian Antarctic Territory

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by catweazel » Wed Oct 10, 2018 10:02 pm

lsemmens wrote:
Wed Oct 10, 2018 6:26 am
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
lol - too true
¡uʍop ǝpısdn sı buıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ os ɐıןɐɹʇsnɐ ɯoɹɟ ɯ,ı

User avatar
Pierre
Level 17
Level 17
Posts: 7566
Joined: Fri Sep 05, 2008 5:33 am
Location: Perth, AU.

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by Pierre » Wed Oct 10, 2018 11:35 pm

Snake catcher survives python strangulation in 'freak accident':
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-10-11/s ... n/10364446
Only In Queensland .. ..

and
Heavy rain sees influx of deadly funnel-web spiders
https://au.news.yahoo.com/heavy-rain-se ... 01192.html
Yet Another Reason to Not Live on the East Cost. .. ..
Image
Please edit your original post title to include [SOLVED] - when your problem is solved!
and DO LOOK at those Unanswered Topics - - you may be able to answer some!.

User avatar
catweazel
Level 17
Level 17
Posts: 7751
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2012 9:44 pm
Location: Australian Antarctic Territory

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by catweazel » Wed Oct 10, 2018 11:41 pm

Pierre wrote:
Wed Oct 10, 2018 11:35 pm
Snake catcher survives python strangulation in 'freak accident':
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-10-11/s ... n/10364446
Only In Queensland .. ..
I went out back one day, many years ago, to see what my kids were doing because there was a lot of noise. OMG! They were tossing a live eastern brown around the paddock. Last month my cat dragged a red-bellied black to the front door and sat there playing with it.
¡uʍop ǝpısdn sı buıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ os ɐıןɐɹʇsnɐ ɯoɹɟ ɯ,ı

User avatar
trytip
Level 8
Level 8
Posts: 2398
Joined: Tue Jul 05, 2016 1:20 pm

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by trytip » Thu Oct 11, 2018 1:27 am

what are you talking about, everyone knows Australia is not real. :P
Image

User avatar
catweazel
Level 17
Level 17
Posts: 7751
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2012 9:44 pm
Location: Australian Antarctic Territory

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by catweazel » Thu Oct 11, 2018 1:56 am

trytip wrote:
Thu Oct 11, 2018 1:27 am
what are you talking about, everyone knows Australia is not real. :P
Of course it is. See what it's really like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DJC-ECU8IE
¡uʍop ǝpısdn sı buıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ os ɐıןɐɹʇsnɐ ɯoɹɟ ɯ,ı

Benedetto
Level 1
Level 1
Posts: 38
Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2017 11:50 am
Location: SW England

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by Benedetto » Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:35 am

Well, we have had two great Australians on our tv screens some years ago, namely Dame Edna Everage and Sir Les Patterson. They were able to demonstrate to those in the UK what Australians were like and how they thought.
Apart form some bushwhacker called Barry Humphries we see few Ozzies on tv, except on newsreels about Oxford Street in London. :lol:
For anyone living in other deserted parts of the planet and are not familiar with those names mentioned above:
http://www.dame-edna.com/
http://sirlespatterson.com/
** Warning, unsuitable for those of a nervous disposition.
Best wishes,
Linux Mint 19 Tara Cinnamon - version 3.8.9

User avatar
kyphi
Level 8
Level 8
Posts: 2324
Joined: Sat Jul 09, 2011 1:14 am
Location: The Hunter, Australia

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by kyphi » Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:55 pm

Let us not forget Errol Flynn from the State of Tasmania, exported to Hollywood.
Linux Mint 19 Cinnamon - 64bit

DAMIEN1307
Level 6
Level 6
Posts: 1146
Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 8:13 pm
Location: Alamogordo, New Mexico

Re: An Englishman's View of Australia!

Post by DAMIEN1307 » Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:13 pm

for those of you in the land of oz, ive got to say i never new that the swashbuckler movie actor errol flynn was from oz...but more recent vintage of music greats came from or claimed oz as their home and heritage...the following greats...midnight oil, early beegees 1960s, (hated their disco era but then again i hate disco), lol...ac/dc, inxs, men at work, crowded house, little river band, olivia newton john, air supply, savage garden, the seekers,...and a host of others that have an honoured place in my music library...i can and do listen to them for hours on end..."weeeere,,,off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of "OZ"...could that be you catweazel?...lol...DAMIEN

ps...i also watch a lot of australian, new zealand tv off my roku box as well as anything british, irish etc...hate american television since they think "reality tv" is like reality in any sense whatsoever...give me my brit mysteries...yeaaaah...DAMIEN
ORDO AB CHAO

Post Reply

Return to “Open chat”