It's a Bacon Tree! No, wait...

[Portreve]

[rene]

I find this to be a very unbelievable story. Who would mistake a bush for a tree? Have a link?

[Lady Fitzgerald]

I still feel the mods should add a groan emoji.

[AZgl1800]

I still feel the mods should add a groan emoji.

Groan.jpeg (3.37 KiB) Viewed 1311 times

[all41]

A farmer was hunting but the bullet ricocheted off a rock and into the pasture.
He heard his cow bellow and saw her shaking her head. Up close he saw a small spot of blood on
the cow's ear but she was still grazing and seemed ok.
A few days later as he was milking he heard a plunk in the pail and lo and behold,
there was the bullet.

Like the old adage says--
It goes in one ear and out the udder

[Lady Fitzgerald]

A farmer was hunting but the bullet ricocheted off a rock and into the pasture.
He heard his cow bellow and saw her shaking her head. Up close he saw a small spot of blood on
the cow's ear but she was still grazing and seemed ok.
A few days later as he was milking he heard a plunk in the pail and lo and behold,
there was the bullet.

Like the old adage says--
It goes in one ear and out the udder

[punkbiscuit]

These jokes are criminal

[Portreve]

[motoryzen]

*Makes Jim Carrey SNL coked out raised eye brow*

" It cannot compare...with................................... the JUICE WEASEL!"

[Portreve]

[Portreve]

[slipstick]

A string walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't
serve your kind around here, so you'll just have to leave."

So the string walks out of the bar and sees two young ladies
walking down the street and asked one to tie him in a knot and
the other to kinda fluff him out a little with her comb.

After thanking the ladies the string goes back in, sits down at
the bar, and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Aren't you
the same string I just told to leave?" And he replied "No, I'm
a frayed knot."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace
had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn,
so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually
became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in
the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall
grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to
call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in
the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and
saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.

Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and
proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a
wrench for me!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see
from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack. I'd like a $30,000 loan so I can go on holiday"

Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, and it's O.K., he knows
the bank manager. Pattie explains that he will need to secure
the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure, I've got this" and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie says she will have to consult with the
bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the
manager and says, "There's a frog out there called Kermit Jagger
who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to
use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looked back at her and said,
"It's a Knick-knack, Pattie Whack, give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were
avid bowlers; however, the league's records were destroyed in
a fire. Therefore, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


---------------------------------------------------------------------


There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.
There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the
kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three
kings decided that they would send their knights out to do
battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires
pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first
kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of
whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking
food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10
squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for
battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one
knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung
it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself
preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the
knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust
cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third
kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms,
thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal
to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.


-----------------------------------------------------------------


A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet
of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had
to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two
lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WARNING: I have more of these!

[Moonstone Man]

WARNING: I have more of these!

Go for it. I now have you on ignore

[Lady Fitzgerald]

A string walks into a bar...

WARNING: I have more of these!

I need to install one of these on my keyboard:

[slipstick]

But wait......there's more!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A strange thing happened in Rio Rico, Arizona. This very rich lady decided she wanted to buy the most expensive piano in the world. She thought that if she had such a piano, she would really impress her musical friends.

She called a piano store in Tucson and asked what the most expensive piano was. They told her a Bösendorfer-- the one with the 97 keys. Well, this lady called the Bösendorfer factory in Europe and ordered a Bösendorfer. It was air freighted to her in Rio Rico, and a factory tuner came along and tuned it.

After a few months, she decided that she needed to tune it again, so she called the Piano Tuner's Guild and asked who was the best tuner in the world. They did some research, and called her back. They told her that Tom Walker in Ohio was exceptional, but the best tuner in the world was a fellow named Otto Von Opperknockity.

So the lady called Mr. Opperknockity in Vienna, Austria, and she told him she wanted him to tune her piano. He said he would if she paid his very stiff fee and all expenses. She agreed at once saying that she would pay anything for the best.

Otto Von Opperknockity then flew to the USA, on to Rio Rico, Arizona, up the arroyo past gila monsters and scorpions, and he tuned her piano. She was happy, and Mr. Opperknockity was happy since he got a nice trip to Arizona in the deal.

Well, the tuning lasted two years because Otto did such good work, and the Bösendorfer was such a good piano. But, after the two years, the lady realized she would need the piano tuned again. She at once called Otto Von Opperknockity in Vienna. She told him she was ready for her next tuning. Mr. Opperknockity told her that he could not come. She told him that price was not a consideration. She would pay his fee, expenses, and make up any loss he incurred by interrupting his regular schedule. Otto still wouldn't come.

The lady asked why, and here is what Otto said, "Dear Lady, Opperknockity only tunes once."


---------------------------------------------------------------------

One dark night, a drunk stumbled into the railroad yards in
Topeka, Kansas. He found his way into the engineer's compartment
and began to fiddle with all the levers, switches, and buttons.
Sure enough, the train began to move and soon it was heading
out, eastbound, on the main line to Kansas City at full speed.
At about the same time, the regularly scheduled mail train was
leaving Kansas City heading westbound for Topeka. At the
throttle was one of the railroad's senior engineers, who was in
an animated conversation with his fireman concerning genealogy
and his Norwegian roots. So, we have one train speeding
eastbound through the night and another hurtling westbound on
the same track. However, there was no collision because Norse
is Norse and Souse is Souse and never the trains shall meet.


-------------------------------------------------------------------


We are all used to the conveniences of a modern bank. While
there have been money lenders throughout the ages, full service
banks are a relatively new phenomenon. Molan Cache is usually
considered the man who developed modern banking as we know it
today. He enlisted the aid of Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague
and chief financial advisor of King Charles II. The two were
able to convince the Bohemian monarch to finance this new
experiment in banking. So really, ... credit should go to
a Czech king, a count and Cache.


------------------------------------------------------------------


There was a sailor who purchased a beautiful cat-rigged boat in
the classic mode, a heavy canvas mainsail laced to the boom and
with rings which slid up the mast. He found a mooring spot in a
classic small boats harbor, and enjoyed his craft each weekend.
One year when he launched his boat and returned for his first
full weekend aboard, he was faced with a catastrophic situation.
A pair of catbirds had decided that his main would be a perfect
place to raise a family. They had, therefore, constructed a nest
on it, and left tokens of their appreciation for his hospitality
spread liberally within the confines of a certain line defined in
the water.

Recovering quickly from the catatonic state temporarily induced
by his discovery, he catapulted the already laid eggs into the
water and checked into the category of bird repellents. Over the
course of the next few weeks he tried statues of owls and cats,
reflecting streamers, plastic whirligigs, and many devices
ordered from various catalogs. Nothing worked.

One weekend as he rowed out to his pride and joy he noticed an
old salt climbing aboard a boat similar to his. The man was
obviously also starting his weekend, and his boat was spotless.
Striking up an acquaintance, he told the man of his problems and
asked his advice. "All you need to do is buy some baker's yeast,
and rub it all over your sail before you leave on Sunday," he
was told. Desperate, and willing to try anything by now, he
questioned not and did as he was told.

The next weekend his boat, too, was once again spotless and free
of the pesky birds. The next time he saw the old salt he thanked
him profusely, but could now resist asking the reason for the
effectiveness of the remedy. "Very simple," came the reply, "you
just have to remember that 'Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest,
and ne'er the main shall tweet.'"

[Lert]

This thread brightened up my day!
As seems to be usual retired players of, in this case cricket, get a commentating job. 'Skull' takes the cake IMO..

https://youtu.be/XKDi2ekNa8A

[all41]

Mel Famie was an ace baseball pitcher.
He was well known for his strikeouts and also for his habit of drinking a cold brew
in the dugout after each inning.
In a game that went into several extra innings he started throwing balls and walked in two players
to lose the game.
In the post game interview the winning team stated:
It's the beer that made Mel Famie walk us

[Lady Fitzgerald]

[DAMIEN1307]

But wait......there's more!

The expression will now change to, 'But Don't Wait......There is no more.'

And the guy that originated that saying in his advertsements, informercials, "As Seen on TV", etc., Ron Popeil, AKA, " Ronco", Just died yesterday at age 86...DAMIEN
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GG43jyZ65R8

[DAMIEN1307]

"Id rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy." But im guessing they are both one and the same anyways...This thread may qualify for that as well...lol...A forum lobotomy...lol...DAMIEN