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Cool fortunes

Posted: Sat Dec 23, 2006 6:46 pm
by clem
clem@pluto:~$ fortune
Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.

Cool fortunes

Posted: Sun Dec 24, 2006 7:50 am
by npap
Merry Cristmas, Clem

Q: What makes a man run for his life?
A: The tax collector.

Posted: Mon Dec 25, 2006 7:10 am
by npap
.

Posted: Mon Dec 25, 2006 2:20 pm
by npap
.

Posted: Mon Dec 25, 2006 8:40 pm
by Alephcat
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.

Posted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 7:03 am
by npap
.

Posted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 9:31 am
by Alephcat
You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.

Posted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 8:15 pm
by clem
Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
A: It wasn't IBM compatible.

Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 7:53 am
by npap
.

Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 9:19 am
by scorp123
I don't know where I picked that one up:

"Drop out of window to quit ... " :lol:

Posted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 10:30 am
by Darkelve
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
---Albert Einstein"


And:
"never discuss with an idiot... he will bring you down to his level and beat you with experience"

Christmas

Posted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 2:52 pm
by Psycho
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
gets all the credit.

A recent one

Posted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 2:58 pm
by Psycho
This one is very recent:

Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.

Cool fortunes

Posted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 4:41 pm
by npap
Q: What makes somebody blow off steam?
A: The hole in his head.

Posted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 5:20 pm
by trsnrtr
One of my favorites:

"Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses."

Another favorite:

"Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today." :)

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 7:52 am
by npap
.

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 11:48 am
by Alephcat
There is a 20% chance of tomorrow

Posted: Thu Jan 25, 2007 12:55 pm
by npap
.

Re: Cool fortunes

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2011 2:03 pm
by Darkelve
I used to be a doubter. Nowadays I'm not so sure anymore.

Herman Finkers (comedian from The Netherlands, translated from a Dutch quote).